A Letter to Callie on her 5th Birthday in Heaven

Dear Callie,

Happy birthday sweetie!  Not a day goes by that I don't think of you. I will never, ever forget the day you were born.  There are a lot of things that I wish I could change about that day and the next, but I know now that God had a different plan for you and I have come to respect that even if I cannot understand it.

We will be making you a cake today and sending you a balloon again (do you get those?) and will sing you "Happy Birthday".  We promise to do an act of kindness in your name today.  How do you celebrate in Heaven?  I bet it is better than anything I can imagine.

Today, you would have been five here on Earth.  There is something so special about that age.  I would give absolutely ANYTHING to know what you would look like as a sweet little five year old.  When your little sister, Lila, was born, I thought that you girls resembled each other a little bit.  Maybe her face as she grows will give me a hint of yours.  Charlotte looked so different than you, but you share a bond that I don't even understand.  Even though she is only three, she knows about you and talks about you in a way that makes me 100% sure that you are with her.

You are with all of us.

In my every action and in your daddy's.

In every breath your sisters (and soon-to-be-born brother) take.

You are with us.

Callie, please know that you are loved and remembered.  I hold you in my heart and send you daily hugs and kisses.  Each night as I go to bed, I always lay on my left side because I see you better that way when I close my eyes.  I see you the way I did 5 years ago, nose-to-nose on your hospital bed.  I can't fall asleep any other way.

Thank you for sending me little signs lately to bring me comfort.  I wish that it didn't have to be that way...it should be me comforting you!  But I do appreciate and treasure each gift you have given us and hope with every fiber of my being that I make you proud and that you can feel my love all the way up there in heaven.

We miss you and love you so much!

With all my heart,

Mommy